Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
