is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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