you traded sex for a burrito?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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