I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
