omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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