I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
