When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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