grandma shit on top of the toilet
we made out on top of his cat.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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