i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
