He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
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I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
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Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You are a genius and a whore.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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