we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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