he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
