you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
