I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
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