Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
