I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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