I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
