all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
