I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
