Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
