Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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