I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
