Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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