if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You can't just leave with hair like that
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
