Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
that is very illegal...i love you.
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