i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I need to sanitize my soul.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
