I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
