When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
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I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
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not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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