Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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long story
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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