Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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