chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
