Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
