She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
