Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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