you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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