Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
