I can feel you judging me through the phone.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
