I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
