we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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