I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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