Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You pole danced in your parka.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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