apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
