would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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