Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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