i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
