Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
