Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
