Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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