I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize