I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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