This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My ATM looks so different sober.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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