Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
