Already got asked if we're dating
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
