Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
