if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
