I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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