I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
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Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
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He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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