I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
